American Beauty in New Orleans

I'm in New Orleans this weekend visiting my grandpa. It's weird because he doesn't seem like the "monster" my dad has described him as all these years. But then again, he's very sick and much older and my dad hasn't seen him in nearly two decades. So I'm sure things, for Grandpa, have changed somewhat. He seems really scared, and lonely, and I can't believe I'm pretty much the only person to come visit him. Though... I suppose that's what happens when you've been hurtful to everyone in your life, in the end. He has a lot of interesting stories about the old house that's been in his family since the early 1900s. There's so much history here, and I love learning about it. I'm so scared that if my dad gets the house, he'll sell it the second that Grandpa's in the ground.

I was watching the last episode of Freaks and Geeks a few days ago, mainly because I'd never heard the commentary before (due to the fact that it's my 2nd favorite episode and I generally don't want a bunch of people talking in the background when I'm watching it). I love the scene when Lindsay is sitting around listening to the Grateful Dead's American Beauty album over and over and getting lost in it. I had never listened to a single Grateful Dead album in all my life -- I know, what kind of music lover do I call myself, right? -- and yesterday I had the desire to finally pick up American Beauty. So I did, and I've been listening to it incessantly, and it's amazing. I know it sounds lame, but for some reason it has made me feel so happy during this stressful time. Like everything's going to be OK. Is that stupid? Why is it, when I'm really down, music is the only thing that can lift me up again? It's strange and wonderful, and I think it would be very easy for me to lose myself in my love for a song.

I was looking through my grandpa's albums. He has a lot of old blues records, which is really cool, and some early Motown. He also has the Rolling Stones album Sticky Fingers, which makes me happy beyond belief since it's pretty much one of my favorite albums in the world. I think I'm going to have him listen to American Beauty and see what he thinks. Maybe it'll make him feel good, too.






Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through
A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through

On a lighter note....

I fucking love the Patriots. It's nice to root for a team that doesn't habitually let me down. (That's right, Red Sox, I mean you!)

Wait, am I actually caring about football now? Fuck, it really is contagious....


PS - It looks like I'm going to New Orleans in a few weeks to visit my grandpa for the first time since I was like 6 and for what may be the last time. Way to screw up the "lighter note" entry, eh?

Apathy and Civil Rights

I am amazed at what is going on in Louisiana. I wasn't going to post about this but after the total rape of civil rights and the justice system that has gone on, especially this week, I can no longer keep quiet. I think, really, that what disturbs me the most is not the details of the "Jena Six" events (and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then I recommend you watch the news or read a newspaper every once in a while). What bothers me so much is the reactions I've witnessed as a result. I'll be honest -- I'm fucking sick of how apathetic this society is. Yes, we hear about all the outraged people, the rally, Rev Al Sharpton getting involved, ect ect. But what have any of us really done? When are we really going to take a look at ourselves and our own lives? What the hell did people MLK, Jr., Thurgood Marshall, Frederick Douglass, Ella Josephine Baker, Rosa Parks, and Bayard Rustin fight so hard for? We have accomplished so much in this country, and yet so little has changed. You put a fucking noose on a tree as a "warning" to the African American population in your town, and you should get more than a slap on the wrist. That's a death threat. Seriously, that is no different than directly threatening a person's life, which I had assumed was a serious crime. Apparently, not in the deep South. Not if you have the "wrong" skin tone, that is. But more to the point (because I have no interest in going through all the ugly details of the situation right now, it's too exhausting), why is it that everytime I talk to someone who is infuriated about what is happening all they do is complain with no real action? People lost their lives, their jobs, everything during the civil rights movement to fight for what they believed in. What do WE do? We wear a specific colored shirt to signify how much we support our cause. I'm sorry, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone (or do I really care?), but that is bullshit. Donate some of your money to get those fucking kids out of jail. Write a letter to congress. Make your voice heard. Rally up. But don't sit around and wear a black t-shirt and think that you're helping. I think it comes from a good place, yes. The intention, I suppose, is admirable. But good intentions are not enough to fight injustice. People are too indifferent, reading about some atrocity or another in the paper, and then forgetting about it once it's tossed into the recycling bin. Or, simply, people get too wrapped up in their own lives... which hey, I can understand because life is tough. Frankly, and forgive me for sounding like a conspiracy theorist here for a moment, but I am not the least bit surprised that the demographic most willing to go out and do something (18-30) is the demographic most in debt to credit card companies, college loans, ect., making it difficult to escape our lives to do more than we're capable of doing right now. I think it's calculating and it's subtle. But the point is, sometimes no matter what is going on in our lives, we have to be brave enough to take a step forward and make a change. What happened (and IS happening) in Jena is something that I would go as far as calling sinister. We live here, in a country built on the ideals of freedom, and we shouldn't rest until this nation truly lives up to it -- even if it's not going to be during our own lifetime. It's not acceptable that this is still happening. NONE of us should find this acceptable. And not even just this, but civil rights violations can be found everywhere and we have to, at the very least, stay aware. Malcolm X once said something like, "I don't see the American Dream. I see an American Nightmare." I love this country, because I can see what it has the potential to be. But the farther it falls away from the Dream, the more pronounced the Nightmare becomes.

As individuals we have to take action. As individuals we have to do anything we can to fight injustice. And sometimes it will shake up whatever comforts we're used to, but anything worth fighting for is going to be a hard as the saying goes. And I'm not saying that you should attend rallies all the time or join the ACLU or constantly preach whatever your cause is. But HAVE a cause. Donate a few dollars, every little bit helps. Write a letter to your congressman. And yes, I realize that sometimes in this big world and in this messed up system, it seems like there is so little that any one person can do. However, with that philosophy, nothing would ever get better in this world. Apathy is just as bad as hate. Both are counterproductive to any real progression. And I honestly believe that we deserve to live in a world better than that.



"A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

Things I'm excited about (in no particular order)

-The release of Death Proof on DVD this coming Tuesday (though not Planet Terror until October 16th, which is lame... especially considering that neither DVDs will be coming with all those amazing trailers)

-The Kite Runner on the big screen this fall

-Seeing The Shins in Albuquerque on October 10th

-Knocked Up releasing on DVD next Tuesday

-Season 6 of 24 on DVD in December, then season 7 starting in January

-The MLB Final Series

-Getting my first paycheck

-My spring internship with the BBC

-Autumn (not the same as fall in the east coast, but still my favorite season nonetheless)

-All the bigs summer movies of '08: The Dark Knight (mmmm, Bale...), I Am Legend (I love summertime Will Smith flicks!), Speed Racer (Emile Hirsh, Christina Ricci, Matthew Fox.... yes, please!), Iron Man (it looks so deliciously bad!), The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (hoping it's better than Disney's first Narnia attempt), Indiana Jones IV (it's going to be bad, no doubt, but I'll still be there to witness it first hand), Get Smart (Steve Carrell will do this part justice!), The Mummy 3 (which apparently will be without Rachel Weisz, who is being replaced by Maria Bello), The Valkyrie (am I actually becoming a Tom Cruise fan?) , and two new Judd Apatow flicks Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Pineapple Express... I can't believe I have to wait 8 months before it all begins!

-Returning to the east coast in the summer

-Iron & Wine's new album, The Shepard Dog

-PJ Harvey's new album, White Chalk

-And last, but not least, the release of Michael Chabon's new book Gentlemen of the Road: A Tale of Adventure.

I am aware of how geeky this post has made me appear. I'm OK with that. Also, feel free to remind me of things I may have forgot that I should, uh, jot down on the ol' calendar. :)


(I love lazy weekends.)

Hey Jude, have you met lovely Rita?

I know I've been against this film from the moment I saw the trailer, but I've been listening to the Beatles all day (they've always been therapeutic for me)... and the last couple of weeks, I've been into 50s and 60s music and literature (more than usual, anyway)... and because of all this, I'm warming up to the idea of seeing that movie Across the Universe. Unfortunately for me, I'd have to go to L.A. or Texas to see it because it's not coming to New Mexico anytime soon. Sad, really. Maybe I'll go to San Diego for a weekend to see my dad -- as there are other issues I would like to discuss with him anyway -- and then drive up with him to L.A. for a day. I think it would be good for both of us. And he loves the Beatles even more than I do (which is really saying something) and I think he might really like this film. Or he'll really really hate it for the same reasons I didn't want to see it in the first place. Hard to tell. I really need to get all my Beatles albums shipped to me. I love The White Album and Beatles For Sale, but where's my Revolver, my Help!, my Rubber Soul... even my Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band! I hate that I never put "Lovely Rita" on my MP3 player! I want to hear that song so badly.

Mainly, though, I blame Yvonne for this. Her blog featuring one of my favorite Beatles songs, and then posting the actual lyrics. Why are all the great bands gone? Such a tragedy.

No Words

I just found out that my paternal grandfather, Henry Franklin Knapper, is dying due to a malignant tumor on his lung that has spread to the point of being untreatable. He was never in my life, really, except for a couple of Christmases as a child. He was mean-spirited, bigoted, and abusive. My dad's mom (who passed away when I was really little) left him and took my dad to Massachusetts, where he was raised primarily. My grandfather owns an old plantation out side of New Orleans and another house near the French Quarter -- both have been in his family for a few generations. The Knappers were one of the first black families in New Orleans to own and run their own homes.

(Side note: I learned that the name "Knapper" is old German derived from "Knappe" which is a servant, working man, or even squire... which has very little to do with anything, but I found that interesting and troubling. It could also be derived from "Knopp," which is came from the Old English word "knapp" or "cnoepp," which translates into hilltop or summit. The most well-known Knapp decedents are said to be some of the first settlers in the Americas and ended up settling in Massachussets. I found this LESS troubling, but ironic, considering that's where my dad ended up moving to as a child.)

Today, I feel... as if I don't know how to feel. My dad told my brothers and I horror stories about my grandfather, but I never felt any hate for the man -- despite the holidays he would put a damper on. And I find it sad that my dad refuses to visit him even now, on what are most likely his final days. Getting this phone call from my mom (not my dad, incidentally, who is having trouble acknowledging what is happening here), it opened up so many questions. I want to see my grandfather before he passes. Especially considering that he wants to leave the plantation to me and my brothers -- not my sister, who during her teenaged years was a complete terror and was shipped away to boarding school -- and I've never even laid eyes on it. I suddenly feel as though there is so much history in my family that I want to explore, that I never had a chance to be a part of.

I'm introspective today. And worried about a lot of things. And I wish I had more money so I could fly out to New Orleans -- because there's no way I can ask my dad for the money, and I feel odd asking my mother for it. I'll figure out something.

How is it possible that, after all this emotional turmoil, it's not even noon yet?

Stresses and Humor

So far this week has been somewhat stressful, but I'm learning how to deal. I'm sending my film resume to the Deputy of the New Mexican Film Commission (who my landlord/makeshift roommate Lauren O is pretty good friends with). But I want to update it a little and snazz it up. I'd like very much to join the Union here and see what sort of little jobs I can get here and there to get on my feet. I think the careers I'm focused on right now are:

-Journalism (in print, possibly on radio)
-Film, my love, my old friend (mostly documentary, i think, and independent projects)
-Human Rights Nonprofit

There's this internship with the BBC I'm looking at and also work with AmeriCorp. Next summer, though, the best bet would be to get an internship at some respected newspaper... perhaps in DC or NYC. I'm very excited, but I don't want to give myself too many choices and become too indecisive (I have that tendency). Oh, a couple weekends out of the month, I'll be going to Albuquerque to volunteer with the ACLU. I'm also trying to keep very up to date on the current political campaigns and pressing current events.

The only thing that I know for sure is that a) I want to make a difference, b) I want to travel, and c) I want to wake up every (or at least almost every) morning and be proud and happy of what I do. I hope that's not too much to ask for.

In other news, Lee is adjusting to life out here quite well. He is not, however, well-liked by ANY of the dogs in the neighborhood -- including Lauren's shepard dog who regards Lee as some sort of threat. Any other dog would find this disheartening, I think, but not Lee. He has that puppy resilience which keeps him excited and happy all the time. I wish I had that.

I still haven't met many people while out here. I'm sure that will come in time. I could use this alone time to really focus on what's important, and not get so bogged down by being overly social. I think that was my problem in DC. It was too easy to get distracted by everything and everyone around me. Strip that away and I am forced to focus. This will be good for me.

I've also been reading a lot. I finally finished The Outsiders, reread Wicked, read a book on Susan B Anthony, am halfway through The Lessons of Don Juan (I actually am rereading this one as well), and have just started Rebel Angels, a biography on Kerouac, Ginsberg, and Burroughs. Absolutely amazing reads, all of them. Having no TVs been so great. Though I don't get to watch movies as much, which is sad. I did see Death at a Funeral, though, which was a fantastic little British film that I highly recommend. Very funny. Reminded me of Four Weddings and a Funeral a little bit, but without that annoying dark-haired woman... Andi MacDowell or whatever? It was wry, and at times absolutely ridiculous and bordering on lewd. I laughed quite a bit. I was supposed to see Becoming Jane last night but I was "becoming too busy" with stuff to do. Today, perhaps, we'll see. (Speaking of Jane Austen... I am not lying when I say that when I visited Nicholas Potter's the other day, I found a rather amazing FIRST EDITION of Pride & Prejudice. The cost is not nearly as obscene as one would think, either. I wouldn't shut up about it at the front desk, and Mr Potter told me he would set it aside for a month or so to give me a chance to save up the money. I love that man.)

I guess my only real complaint of late is that part of my rental agreement is that my landlord's mother (Wendy, a very lovely woman who was proactive in helping my find a job in the area through her various connections) is a counselor and uses one of the rooms downstairs as an office every once in a while. Fine, no big deal. But! When she's in the office with her "patients" or whatever the term is for them, she needs total privacy and quiet which means I have to not be home or stay upstairs. Yesterday, she had sessions all days. So when I would come back home she would still be there which means I can't cook lunch or do laundry or, god forbid, let my poor crated dog run around. This is starting to get old. Today she had a session at 8:15 (well after I'd had breakfast) and I was practically out the door anyway. And when I returned she was gone. That's fine. I don't even mind it if I am home, but she's in session only for an hour or two. But that all day stuff.... I know my rent is pretty low, but really. I am still paying money to live here, after all. I guess I'll just wait it out and if it gets too out of hand I'll have to say something.

Anyway, otherwise, things are good. Stressful, but good. Tomorrow, Lauren leaves town for like a week and a half which (as much as I like her) will be nice. I'll have a little more privacy. When she gets back, there's been talk of a camping trip before the mountain snow arrives. I'm looking forward to it.

And with that, I better get back to the work I really need to not avoid. Yes, I've surpassed such frivolous notions as "procrastination," and am now becoming a virtuoso in the field of avoidance. I'm a regular Renaissance woman.

Entry #1

As this is my first entry on my new (and now, ONLY) blog, I'll try to make it "mean" something.

Early this week, I took everything I could carry -- including my puppy, King Leonidas (Lee, for short) -- and moved across country to Santa Fe, NM. I could get into all the reasons why, but the big one is I need a change, a *real* change. And I figured, I'm 24 years old and there will only be so many times in my life when I will get to do this -- just pick up and change my life at the drop of a hat. So far, it's been kind of difficult. I'm not used to being *so* alone. I've met a few people here and there, but mostly, it's just been me at the house with the puppy reading and listening to music. I don't mind not having a TV yet. I don't mind that it's very quiet out here. But sometimes, I get the urge to call one of my friends back in Virginia or DC and see if they want to grad dinner or catch a movie and I realize I can't do that anymore.

But don't get me wrong. I haven't disliked it out here by any means. The first night here, in fact, I went out with my landlord's brother Rowan and his girlfriend and their mutual friends to the Cowgirl, a local drinking hole which offered one of the best margaritas I'd ever had. And then we went bowling -- where Katie (Rowan's girlfriend) and I truly sucked but had an awesome time playing so poorly.

And don't even get me started on the sunrise and sunset out here. It's truly amazing. I won't even continue describing it now. I'll just have to bring myself to take a picture and post it because that will at least partially give it credit for how awe-inspiring it is.

Also, the food has been great. There's an organic market walking distance from my house. There's a mountainous trail behind my house where Lee and I go walking daily. I met a girl named Michelle on craigslist and we went and hung out in Albuquerque to see a show the other night. Plus, today I went out to the downtown area (the Plaza) where they were having a fiesta and I got to see what seemed like hundreds of Native American merchants. I also found a fantastic rare booksellers called Nicholas Potter's and I fell in love. The owner (Mr. Potter himself) was a very amiable man who had a quite a bit to say about the subject of Jack Kerouac, which of course made me immensely happy. Oh, and on my way home, I literally ate the best burrito I had ever eaten in my life. And it was only 3 bucks.

So things have been good, but I'm definitely a little home sick. I don't miss DC itself but I do miss the people I met there. It's great not having to trip over a homeless person every two feet, but it's sad that I can't go out for margs after work with Laney. Not missing the smog and the litter, but I do miss hanging out at Yvonne & Joe's house. Glad that there's pretty much no traffic and noise pollution here, but I can't believe I won't get to hang out with Morgan and Will on the weekends anymore.

Changes must happen -- this is what I'd wanted, to not be so comfortable in my safe Northern Virginian box. This is better, this is a challenge. I will succeed. I will be happy. And even if I figure out, somewhere down the road, that this isn't what I want... well, then I'll pick up and find some place new, and eventually I will find that place to call home.

Anyway, while I was thinking about this tonight and feeling inspired to write in a way I haven't felt like doing in a long time, I decided to read my book of RFK speeches. (I carry it with me everywhere now.) And again, I stumbled upon his speech on the "Mindlesss Menace of Violence" and it never ceases to get me choked up. So what you will about the Kennedys -- they were not perfect by any means -- but Bobby and Jack had the ability to inspire and move people with their words like few other leaders of our time. This makes me think that perhaps journalism is really the way to go for me... I can't imagine being a politician, after all... and I think that maybe if I work to be the type of figure like Edward R. Murrow and the like, I could make a difference. But I'd have to finally get off my ass and DO something. I can't just talk about doing things, talk about change, talk about civil liberties and human rights, talk about suffering, talk about seeing the world.... I have to DO it. I think taking this first leap -- the leap towards New Mexico -- is the first important step. I just have to remember not to get too comfortable and to realize that I'm out here for a reason. To learn, to grow, to change. And I feel like, as a human being, it would be damaging -- even insulting -- to the universe to be OK with apathy, to be OK with mediocrity, to sit back and relax as the world unravels or even as it stands still. Nothing will ever improve that way and I think maybe it's our responsibility as people to always want to improve ourselves and the world around us. Well, I won't just accept things the way they are and pretend it can't be better and maybe, as a writer I can help to inspire others to want to make change happen as well.

And on that note, I will post the speech that started me on this path of forward-thinking:

City Club of Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio
April 5, 1968

This is a time of shame and sorrow. It is not a day for politics. I have saved this one opportunity, my only event of today, to speak briefly to you about the mindless menace of violence in America which again stains our land and every one of our lives.

It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one - no matter where he lives or what he does - can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on and on in this country of ours.

Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stilled by an assassin's bullet.

No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason.

Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded.

"Among free men," said Abraham Lincoln, "there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and those who take such appeal are sure to lose their cause and pay the costs."
Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far-off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire whatever weapons and ammunition they desire.
Too often we honor swagger and bluster and wielders of force; too often we excuse those who are willing to build their own lives on the shattered dreams of others. Some Americans who preach non-violence abroad fail to practice it here at home. Some who accuse others of inciting riots have by their own conduct invited them.

Some look for scapegoats, others look for conspiracies, but this much is clear: violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul.

For there is another kind of violence, slower but just as deadly destructive as the shot or the bomb in the night. This is the violence of institutions; indifference and inaction and slow decay. This is the violence that afflicts the poor, that poisons relations between men because their skin has different colors. This is the slow destruction of a child by hunger, and schools without books and homes without heat in the winter.

This is the breaking of a man's spirit by denying him the chance to stand as a father and as a man among other men. And this too afflicts us all.

I have not come here to propose a set of specific remedies nor is there a single set. For a broad and adequate outline we know what must be done. When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered.

We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers.

Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence.

We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children's future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge.

Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution.
But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again.