No Words

I just found out that my paternal grandfather, Henry Franklin Knapper, is dying due to a malignant tumor on his lung that has spread to the point of being untreatable. He was never in my life, really, except for a couple of Christmases as a child. He was mean-spirited, bigoted, and abusive. My dad's mom (who passed away when I was really little) left him and took my dad to Massachusetts, where he was raised primarily. My grandfather owns an old plantation out side of New Orleans and another house near the French Quarter -- both have been in his family for a few generations. The Knappers were one of the first black families in New Orleans to own and run their own homes.

(Side note: I learned that the name "Knapper" is old German derived from "Knappe" which is a servant, working man, or even squire... which has very little to do with anything, but I found that interesting and troubling. It could also be derived from "Knopp," which is came from the Old English word "knapp" or "cnoepp," which translates into hilltop or summit. The most well-known Knapp decedents are said to be some of the first settlers in the Americas and ended up settling in Massachussets. I found this LESS troubling, but ironic, considering that's where my dad ended up moving to as a child.)

Today, I feel... as if I don't know how to feel. My dad told my brothers and I horror stories about my grandfather, but I never felt any hate for the man -- despite the holidays he would put a damper on. And I find it sad that my dad refuses to visit him even now, on what are most likely his final days. Getting this phone call from my mom (not my dad, incidentally, who is having trouble acknowledging what is happening here), it opened up so many questions. I want to see my grandfather before he passes. Especially considering that he wants to leave the plantation to me and my brothers -- not my sister, who during her teenaged years was a complete terror and was shipped away to boarding school -- and I've never even laid eyes on it. I suddenly feel as though there is so much history in my family that I want to explore, that I never had a chance to be a part of.

I'm introspective today. And worried about a lot of things. And I wish I had more money so I could fly out to New Orleans -- because there's no way I can ask my dad for the money, and I feel odd asking my mother for it. I'll figure out something.

How is it possible that, after all this emotional turmoil, it's not even noon yet?