Dharma Bumming

Stretch out and wait...

2009-08-05T09:19:00.000-07:00

So it's been awhile, as per usual. I try to keep up with this blog but to be honest, I prefer my written journal and sometimes I even forget this thing exists. Sometimes, however, it feels good to put down my thoughts and aspirations out there for the world to see... like maybe the world is my therapist. And while I truly doubt anyone will want to read this thing, it's still nice to have it.

And now it's lunchtime and I'm spending it in my office, eating tomato soup and a bagel and sitting here in front of this computer. My office, by the way, now being NPR. So there's that new update, and it's nice to finally have school behind me and to be moving forward. Some days, I still feel stagnant because I'm still in the same general place I have been. There have been some great experiences, but nothing life shaking. I'm kind of ready for something big to happen, but I don't know what. I guess I'll know when it happens. There are moments where I think all I'm doing is watching other people live while I just sit back and play my part. Other times, I think that I put too much pressure on myself. I'm about to turn 26 and I guess that's kind of scary because I thought my life would be very different at this point. I'm not a kid anymore, but most days I don't really feel like I've truly step into the role as an "adult." I certainly don't feel as self-sufficient as I should be.

But hey, I do like my life. I am surrounded by people I care about and care about me, I have great music and books everywhere, and have rededicated myself to buying more records and, as such, I'm taking a break from iTunes albums and CDs. I've started running again. I'm going to try to drink less (I've been a bit crazy over the summer) and eat better. Last night, after an extremely long day, I came home to my puppy dog, curled up with him in bed, and listened to some old tunes by Bessie Smith, Erroll Garner, Count Basie, and Fats Waller and it was lovely. With me, it really is the small things.

And now it seems my lunch is drawing to a close, and so must this update. But before I go, a few recommendations for those who are interested. Two of the best movies I saw this summer were not blockbusters, but both were amazing in very different ways. If you have the opportunity, see The Hurt Locker and/or Away We Go. I saw them recently at the E Street Cinema and was taken by surprise by the flow of emotion each of these films stirred within me -- even the latter, which comes off as another one of those formulaic indie flicks that have been oh-so-popular the last few years. But if you look, you'll see something deeper with more heart. There's something that rings so true. And I thind you'd all love it. And if you don't, I kind of feel bad for the state of your heart. Now, as far as The Hurt Locker goes, words cannot express how strongly I feel about this film. So I won't even try. Just see it. And if you want a date, call me.

Music wise, I'm obsessed with The Replacements and Paul Westerberg right now. And Okkervil River. And The Troggs. Check 'em out. You won't regret it... I hope. Also, I am really excited about the Monsters of Folk album coming out in September consisting of M. Ward, Jim James (of My Morning Jacket), and Conor Oberst (who I love love LOVE as a solo artist but not so much as the frontman for Bright Eyes, which is a little too lo-fi for me). It's supposed to be amazing. I also need to check out the George Harrison tribute record Jim James put out. Ah, I love music!!!!!!!

And finally, book wise, I am in the middle of reading of two books that I can hardly put down: The Plague by Albert Camus and The Yiddish Policemen's Union by Michael Chabon (two authors I adore, by the way). Full reviews will possibly be posted when I am done... if I can remember to do so.

And now worker bees have to go back to buzzing. It's was nice spending my break with you.
Yours,
N

Update Central

2009-02-20T13:51:00.001-08:00

As per usual, it's been a while since I've written a post here, but not as long as I usually go so kudos to me! Things are going well: work's ok, school's almost done (3 more months to go!), and my new position at NPR is just around the corner! I'm pretty jazzed about all the new opportunities circling around me -- plus, I've been seeing more of some dear friends and making real steps towards what I want to do in my post-Graduate life. I found a program that will allow me to volunteer in Sudan for either 6 weeks or 3 months, and it's pretty affordable. I've been wanting to do something like this for so long, at this point all I need to do is save the money for it! Granted, that's easier said than done, but it's something I really really want to do so I have to prioritize it. My whole tax refund is going into my "Africa fund" and I am making myself put a certain amount away every month so I figure by the end of summer, I should have more than enough saved.... so maybe by the fall -- if nothing drastic happens -- I'll be on my way! I'm really excited about this, I feel like this is really going to happen and that it's going to be one of those dramatic life-changing experience that will help shape the person I want to be. I can't wait!

I guess nothing new is happening. I was on a kick where I was trying to see all the Oscar films before the awards show, but I became lazy (and broke) so that sort of fell apart... though I have managed to see a few of them and will see one more on Sunday (Revolutionary Road) right before the show airs. I always get so giddy over the Oscars, inspite of myself. I can't help it. It's that little filmmaker inside of me whose heart still skips a beat over "movie magic".... the ghost of film school will never leave me, apparently.

And now I am looking forward to a relaxing weekend filled with studying, grocery shopping, and cleaning (with brief breaks spent having dinner with a friend and her parents and a Sunday date with Ms. Sarah Blair). No drinking or wild nights out; I think I need to give my nerves, pocket book, and general health a rest!

PS - My lovely friend Stavawn just had a lovely baby and I can't wait to visit them this coming week! Also, Mos Def is playing at the 930 Club this coming Monday... anyone interested in joining me?

Our Country's Proudest Moment

2009-01-21T12:35:00.000-08:00

Saying that yesterday was one of the best days in this nation's history would be one of the biggest understatements of all time, but I will say this: I have scarcely ever felt this kind of joy or pride for any one moment in my life. When Obama was sworn in as this nation's newest President, I had tears in my eyes (and not just from the bitter cold) and my heart felt -- for lack of a better word -- full. There has never been such a distinct beginning of a positive era during my lifetime and I'm honestly not sure if there ever will be again. I was alive to see this day happen and that it wasn't just some event that would be honored by my children -- and I am happy that I was living in the nation's capitol while it all happened! Being downtown with everyone, sharing in this moment, being surrounded by the energy in the air -- hearing those golden words as Obama accepted the Presidency.... it was one of the best experiences I've ever been honored to be apart of. I won't compare Obama to some sort of god or hold him up to unrealistic standards, but I will say this: I believe this country in entering a golden age. Maybe not necessarily of prosperity because I know how messed up our economy is and I understand how long it will be before it is fixed, but perhaps a golden age of understanding and acceptance and tolerance. I feel like things are shifting, finally, and people are ready to accept that the world needs to change to be a better place. I am so proud and so happy to live in the US right now! And I can only hope and pray that things will only go up from here. :)

Africa Calling

2009-01-15T22:39:00.000-08:00

OK, it's 1:30 AM and I'm still awake and unable to sleep -- which is unfortunate because Friday is supposed to be a long day involving getting up for work at 5:30 AM, going out to dinner with friends after work, seeing a movie in cold dark theater (which always makes me sleepy anyway), and whatever else... I'm definitely going to need a nap between getting out of work and going out to dinner. For serious.

But, onto other things: No, this is not another rant about Comcast... my apologies, by the way, to anyone who actually read that. I'm no less angry than I was when I wrote it, truth be told, but I realize how silly it is to be so upset about something you can't control -- especially something that doesn't matter all that much in the Big Picture.

And speaking of the Big Picture, I've made an important decision: no matter what promises I make to myself that I don't follow through on (and hopefully that list is relatively short), I will be volunteering overseas this year. My preference is Africa, either South or West. Saying "I want to make a difference" seems like such a cliche, but it's a true one -- though more importantly after reading a lot about the atrocities going on over there and watching various documentaries and talking to people who have done volunteer work already, I've decided it's time I stop talking about *wanting* to do something and actually *do* something. There are a few opportunities I'm looking into through AU's Amnesty International branch, but there are a few other organizations I'm looking into. I really want to volunteer in Sudan or Kenya, either with HIV/AIDS relief or volunteer in an orphanage or in some teaching/civil service position. I want to go as early as August or sometime in early fall. I'm really excited about it but there's so much to look into -- immunizations, updating my passport, saving up the money, figuring out what organization I want to work with and which opportunity is the best for me. I know that I'm still young, but I'm really not THAT young anymore and I keep feeling like I only have so many years that I'll be able to go out and do something like this. The older I become, the more obligations I'll have. After I graduate, especially, that will be the perfect window: I'll finally be able to do the things I have always wanted to do without too much holding me back -- no kids, no husband, no school. I don't want this to be one of those things I say I'll do one day and then look back years later and regret not making more of a contribution.

Anyway, that's what's on my mind. And that's what I'm putting my energy into -- at least, whatever energy is leftover from school kicking my ass. Wish me luck.

Comcast: The Soul-Suckers

2009-01-15T20:12:00.001-08:00

I don't know why I hate Comcast as much as I do... oh, wait, yes I do:

They never do what I need them to do.

Now, the old Natacia would have gone on a pages long rant about everything they have done to wrong me lately... but not this new optimistic Natacia. All I will say is this: I do not understand why they make everything so damn hard. I have a new TV (yes, it's HD, even though I told myself I would never fall into that fad -- but to be fair, it's pretty clear at this point that it's not so much a fad and more of a electronic way of life) and as such I decided to upgrade to HD cable. Seems simple enough, right? I mean, I told them that I am UPGRADING and giving them MORE MONEY so why wouldn't they bend over backwards to give me what I want? First they tell me they don't have any HD boxes and then magically they had a bunch more the next day. Fine. They tell me I have to return my regular box to them and switch it out for the new one. Fine. They tell me I have to go to the center at Michigan Avenue to get said box (or it'll be delivered in like a week or something crazy like that). Fine. So I do all this (though my landlord David was nice enough to make the trip to Michigan Ave since it's closer to his job than mine) and I recieve the HD box tonight.... but that's all it is -- just the box. Nothing else. No cables or wires except for one. Nothing to connect it to the TV. No HDMI cable... NOTHING. All the shit I got from the original cable box, I sent back -- and even if I hadn't, the other box didn't come with any HDMI CABLES!!!! So what the crap am I supposed to do? Buy my own??? I'm pretty sure Comcast is supposed to provide that sort of shit. I mean, they did with the regular cable box, why would this be any different? Especially since this damn box was like a $100 deposit. This is ridiculous. And now it's too late to call Comcast since their office is closed and it's almost the weekend AND SINCE MONDAY AND TUESDAY ARE GOVERNMENT HOLIDAYS I WOULD BET ANYTHING THEIR OFFICES WILL BE CLOSED TILL WEDNESDAY! And I swear on all that is holy that if this shit is not fixed by Wednesday, for the premiere of Lost, I will start chopping mother fucking heads like Lucy Liu in the first Kill Bill movie!!!

OK, I lied. I ranted. So what! I'm pissed! FUCK YOU, COMCAST!!!!

I would also like to add that the internet connection has been shaky at best with these assholes and everytime they send some idiot tech over here, the guy always seems totally baffled and/or annoyed that he's being forced to do his job. It's fucking ridiculous!

When the fuck is Verizon Fios coming to my neighborhood? Sweet Jesus.

And....... now I'm done. Serenity now.

PS: If Comcast isn't bending over backwards to help me when I call tomorrow, expect another rant. I'm serious.

It's been a while... again

2009-01-04T13:30:00.000-08:00

OK, so I really suck at updating this damn thing, I know. But in my defense, I haven't really had a consistent connection to the internet at home until fairly recently. And I can't exactly do this at work and I'm not making a special trip to the library for it. So there you have it.

Now that we have my lame excuses out of the way, an update! Huzzah!

So I recently returned from a trip to Italy, where I was vacationing with various family members. I could go over the details, but words cannot express the joy I've been feeling. I love my family, I truly do. They are eccentric and loud and sometimes drive me out of my mind but I love them just the same. On this particular trip, I spent a good portion of my time at my great aunt Mimi's house, which is less of a house and more of an estate with huge gardens (that she still tends to all by herself even though she's in her 90s). It's a beautiful place, but still needs to be fixed up. The front gates have rusted a little, the front porch has a marble sized hole that I caught my pants on more than once, and most of the windows look like they haven't been cleaned in a spell. It's kind of sad in a way because you can see what the house used to be. But Mimi is old and lives alone (except for a nurse who visits a couple times a day) and in a weird way, the house sort of matches her -- on its last legs, but still standing firm somehow. I love this woman so much. She lived through devastating wars and social upheaval time and time again and has an endless supply of stories. She loves opera and we listened to Don Carlos, and it was absolutely beautiful. The only opera I've ever seen is La Boheme, which she balked at immediately, and insisted that we go to the opera together sometime. I agreed, and even though I was sure this would never happen because I didn't know when I would be able to return to Italy and God only knows how much time she actually has left, and I prayed that I would be able to make it happen.

I had a lot of aunts and uncles and counsins to meet on Christmas Eve and Christmas (we all went to Midnight Mass together and I felt like such a tourist, more interested in the architecture of the church than the service itself even though the service was rather moving).

I did some bike riding and sight seeing and spent New Year's in Rome (which was only a 2 hour train ride!) and I had maybe the best trip of my life. I definitely plan on returning, perhaps in the fall. I want to spend more time in Rome and possibly visit Greece again. There's so much I want to do! One of my cousins, Marta, lives in London and is living The Dream: working as a journalist and travelling to so many places all over the word. She was a nice reminder that I need to keep moving my life towards a certain directon and give up a lot of old vices: second-guessing myself, settling with less than what I want, getting trapped in a spiral of negativity. I need to stop blaming others for what happens in my own life. I need to stop being so pessimistic about my work load. I need to change my life. That, of course, will take baby steps.

Step 1: Take more time to be there for my friends. I love them. They support me. And even when I don't deserve it. They're my family now; it's time I started acting like it.

Step 2: Make a serious effort to find a new job in my field. I've cooled off on that, mostly because of how busy I've been and how focused on school I've been. But that doesn't mean I should stop looking altogether. Life is hard, I'll never make it if I settle for a job that is, at best, "adequate" -- and also not what I want to do with me life in the least.

Step 3: Be more honest with people about what I want and what I think about them. And be more forgiving. I've decided to take any resentment I was feeling in '08 and expelling it. I don't need it anymore. I don't need to upset myself over petty nonsense anymore. I don't need to get so involved with drama -- be it in the workplace or in my circle of friends -- that I let it consume my life. I'm an adult and I'm determined to act like one now, despite how others around me may act.

Step 4: Try something new all the time. Get involved in the world. Donate my time to worthy causes. Try out new restaurants that I normally wouldn't. Explore more parts of the city. Make more trips to NYC -- and possibly Boston, finally. Maybe even travel to Chicago or Philly for the weekend -- for no other reason than to just GO SOMEWHERE. Open myself to new music. Go to the theater. Visit more museums. Read more books for pleasure. Go out dancing! Find new exciting recipes to try out. Be more physically active. Don't be opposed to new people entering my life.

Step 5: Appreciate the small pleasures in life -- a really funny inside joke between friends, jumping in puddles on rainy days, cupcakes, my favorite shows (lost, the office, 30 rock, 24), a clean apartment, messing around with my pup, sushi, chai tea, tina fey (who is my hero, along with her character, liz lemon, on 30 rock), cheesecake, the fact I now live in the same city as Barack Obama, she & him, my comfy couch, any song by nick drake, cheap delicious hot beverages from dunkin donuts.......... and sleeping in on saturday mornings.

Most of these are not overnight changes. These are progressions I plan on working on from here on out, which is why I don't want to call these "resolutions." Because that's putting a time stamp on them, and by doing this it will fail under the heavy weight of pressure. Not this time.

But I guess most importantly, I'm realizing what means most. And I'm moving in the right direction, even if I'm not quite there yet. And even if I won't be there for a while, I guess it's the journey I'm looking forward to the most!

So here I come, life.... this is going to be a kickass year! :)

Lately

2008-09-27T10:15:00.000-07:00

So I've gotten to a point where I am getting burned out and I'm not sure what to do about it. I think the biggest issue is, while I have been in between apartments, I've been living with my brother in Woodbridge.... which is a good hour and 15 min commute to work & school. Which makes for very long, exhausting days. But even without that, the combination of school, work, and the internship is starting to pile up more everyday. I know I'll get through it -- I've done it before -- but I'm just so tired all the time. At least I have weekends off now (finally) and next weekend I'm moving into my new place (which is right down the street from both AU and the hospital) so things will be a lot lighter I hope. This research project I'm working on is also taking much of my time, but it's also been keeping me centered.

The only bummer is I never see my friends anymore. And I'm starting to realize that even when I move back to the city, I probably still won't because things are so hectic now. That's the price you have to pay, I guess... with this tumbling economy, I need this to get some sense of real job security. Also, this is what I love -- NPR has helped me to not only learn more about new broadcasting, but I've actually been out there, on site, doing it. AU has been amazing for me. However, it looks like I have to make sacrifices. I can't get everything.

I'm looking forward to the holidays and seeing my mom again. I miss her a lot more than I thought I would. She doesn't call me as much and I know that's a good thing, but I really miss her a lot.

Also, this past week, a friend has been going through a real tragedy and it's making me understand the importance of family.

Anyway, I need to get back to work. The clock is ticking and it never stops.

What you've all been waiting for!

2008-09-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

So it's been so long since I've been on Blogger, that I didn't realize they've changed their "dashboard".... I was so confused. I was like, "What happened to my page???".... because change, generally, scares the shit out of me. Which is something I'm probably going to have to get over if I plan to be a serious journalist.

Anyway! I figured I should probably update this thing every once in a while, so here are the basics:

1. School's back in session. My classes are on Tuesdays and Thursday. I also have an internship at NPR, and it rocks.

2. I finally have an iPod, but only because my dad bought me one for my birthday. Otherwise, I would continue to not have one. And I'm pretty sure I NEVER would have owned one.

3. I am homeless! Well, sort of. I'm actually living with my brother in Woodbridge (ugh) until I find a place in DC. I found one place off of Park Road, but I'm not commited to that apartment, and feel as though it might fall through because the management is.... iffy. So the hunt continues. Finding somewhat affordable places that will take dogs in a safe neighborhood? Not easy. Ugh. So this is the "not so awesome" portion of this update, but wait...

4. I'm visiting my mama in Italy over Christmas, it's official!!!!!!! I'm insanely excited. I got the time off work and everything, it's all settled. Life is good. I might be gone for New Year's, too, if I can afford it. :D

5. I'm currently reading two amazing books: Blindness by Jose Saramago and Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. They're both fantastic in very different ways. Also, I'm sort of falling in love with Chuck Klosterman even though he practically compared Billy Joel to the Beatles. Hmm. (Also, I'm rereading the Watchmen graphic novel and loving it all over again. How am I making time for all this pleasure reading? I'm getting it out of my system now before things get too crazy this semester.)

6. I have been opening myself to as much new music as possible. I even went as far as attending an Amnesty International/Darfur-related Afropop concert last week... and it was awesome. Anyone have any suggestions? Right now, I'm listening to a lot of Radiohead (who I have only recently become a fan of), The Decemberists (who I already love, but am now listening to more of their newer stuff), and Portishead (who, despite my "indie cred," I had barely heard of before but adore now). Now that I have this damn iPod, I'm addicted to iTunes... recommendations are needed, people!

7. I found the best sangria in all of D.C. BEST. Contact me if you want details.

8. Lee is doing well. He is crazy as ever, but freakin adorable and I basically love him to death. <3

9. I fiiiiiinally went to a Red Sox/Orioles game. And the Sox won, naturally. :)

10. I still make too many lists.

I think that's all I've got for now. Or that's all I can think of... oh wait! I am in love with The Tudors. Doesn't compare with Lost or the Office, but it's a fucking awesome show. I kind of want to get Showtime in my new apartment.... though, the Anne Boleyn chapter is closed, so I don't know how interesting the show is going to be now. And I saw Pineapple Express and only liked it when I thought I would love it.... And I saw Tropic Thunder when I thought it would be truly unfunny and LOVED it. I have such a crush on Robert Downey Jr, it's ridiculous. He "Tony Starked" his way into my heart.

Oh, and the Presidential election. I won't say much about it at this point, just because there's too much to say and I'm crunched for time (as usual) but I will say this: I am losing whatever little bits of respect I've held on to for John McCain more and more every day. Also, I love the Obama/Biden combination very much. The idealism brings me a certain level of joy, and I feel as though Biden also brings that experience to the ticket that (according to some people) Obama lacks. It's idealism for the modern world. I am too much of a realist, honestly, to believe in ALL of Obama's plans/goals, but I feel confident that he truly wants -- yes, I'm going to say it -- CHANGE. And we really need that right now. So, clearly, he has my vote.

"Do we participate in a politics of cynicism or a politics of hope?"
-Barack Obama

I keep forgetting

2008-07-07T16:05:00.000-07:00

...just how much I love Blackstar. Wow. I really don't understand why hip hop can't always be like this. Music should be *about* something, not just getting laid or getting rich -- which, honestly, is like 90% of rap music these days.

Even The Ramones were about something, even if it was social disruption. And Sex Pistols, yes, that's pretty angry stuff, but it wasn't anger for the sake of anger. And it certainly wasn't all, "Fuck bitches" this and " Busting caps" that. Ugh. How is that art?

Random, I know, but there you have it. My $0.02.

Music doesn't lie

2008-07-06T07:19:00.000-07:00

I don't post on here nearly as often as I should.... and I feel that when I do, it's all over the place. One day I'm hot, one day I'm cold. One day all is right with the world, and others I want to burn everything to the ground. And see, I suppose the thing is I only post when I'm feeling emotional about things -- never for the little things. And far too often, it's when I'm upset or stressed out. Today I'm neither -- and I'm not particularly elated about anything either. I'm sitting here, slowly but surely downloading my music collection onto iTunes and listening to a few of my favorite songs (such as "Happiness Is A Warm Gun" as sung by Joe Anderson). I'm reminiscing on how certain songs remind me of certain period in my life. Example: Across the Universe (the movie/soundtrack) will always remind of my months in New Mexico. It came at a time when I was lonely and missing the east coast -- and not just for its people, but for its charm. It came at the right time. Across the Universe, for me, was a mini-salvation, an awakening, a celebration. It was a kiss when I had no one to kiss (metaphorically speaking, of course). It opened my eyes to a few things and helped the loneliness weaken its hold on me. Or, right now, "Like A Stone" by Audioslave is playing and that song will always remind me of the jukebox machine at Charlie's Pub in Boston and wailing out the lyrics, while my friends and I were filled with rum and coke (because it was the easiest drink to fool the waitress who was being a stickler about our underaged status), and really believing that we sounded *just* like Chris Cornell... when, sadly, we were butchering the poor song. "Tuesday's Gone" reminds me of being sixteen, sitting in my room after school and lying on my bed while I stared up at the ceiling and dreamed of leaving all this behind and hitchhiking to the West -- a dream that is still there, pushed back to a farther part of my mind... but it's still there nonetheless.

It's funny how music can have such an affect on my mind, my senses, my soul, my heart. It's almost a physical thing. I associate almost everything with music -- I don't even do that with movies and I adore film. If the right song plays when I'm feeling out of sorts, it can help me get through whatever has put me in that state. There are certain songs that have the power to bring me to tears possibly from sadness, from joy or from dispair. Music can heal and it can also destroy. I cannot imagine a life without it.

Where would I be without Bob Dylan? The Beatles? The Velvet Underground? Emmylou Harris? It's crazy to even think about. So I guess I won't.

I guess I have time today to think about these things. Which is nice, since usually I hardly ever have time for this sort of thought process. And sometimes, in an age when the economy is rapidly crashing and ignorance and violence surround us, it's nice to have something to hold on to... and even if music isn't tangible, something doesn't always have to be to be able to touch you.

"You are the music while the music lasts."
-T.S. Eliot

Current Song:

"I Will Go Quietly" - Shivaree

He did it!

2008-06-03T19:03:00.000-07:00

Despite everything that has gone on this week, there is one big bright shining star...

Barack clinched the nomination. He is one huge step closer to being our next President and making history. No amount of celebration would be enough to cover just how excited I am right now! More and more, I believe that the Universe does in fact even out. :)

Now, the question is: Who is going to be his running mate? Personally, I hope it's going to be John Edwards. I feel as though that's a combination that cannot be beat and Clinton has already burned that bridge. Yes, it's all just politics, but eventually some of these actions must be taken personally... right?

Anyway, I'm happy. I really needed to feel good about something this week.

How can it be....

2008-06-02T19:33:00.000-07:00

....that some people are so amazing and some people are so terrible? Why do I find myself wondering about the lack of real balance in the Universe? Certain people just don't deserve to get shit on the way that they do. I have to believe that Karma exists or it's all too depressing to handle.

Every once in a while, when I think how sad it is that I haven't had a serious longterm relationship since Boston, I get a taste of how horrible relationships can be and how much heartache is involved... and then I feel relieved. I can't help but think that opening myself up the way that people do can only lead to me getting crushed and I want none of that. Give me the single life, Sir! I'm not impressed by misery.

Dear Prudence, See The Sunny Sky

2008-05-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

Things, sometimes, change so quickly you don't know what to do or how to act. And sometimes things go back to the way you need them to be -- and also they are somehow different. I feel like I stepped into a time machine and went backwards these last couple of days, seeing old faces that I didn't even realize I missed. But the past has been altered somewhat in odd ways. So many of the people around me have made these amazing steps forward in their lives, no longer being slaves to the shadow of what used to be.

Life changes so fast and still moves so slow.

I like where I am right now. I really do. This is the realization that came to me Fri night while I sat on the couch at Will & Morgan's, surrounded by people that bring out the good in me. And then again, yesterday, when I spent the day with old friends that I love more than they will ever know -- the type of people that inspire you, appreciate the simple beauty that life has to offer, and enrich that life all the more. I feel so happy, I feel like I could burst!

Also, this summer is shaping up to be amazing. Camping, the 4th of July (my favorite holiday!), birthday celebrations, concerts, summer movies (which, I will readily admit, I look forward to every year like every other film-o-holic out there), sunny skies, mini trips to the west coast and upstate NY and hopefully NYC, more weekends in Herndon (did I mention the Herndon Festival?), and as much time as I can spare with the Dumas and with others that I don't see nearly often enough.

I feel like I am loved. It feels weird saying that, but the feeling is so concentrated right now. I feel open to so much, like I'm ready to tackle so many new and exciting things. Life is far from perfect, but I'm returning to my old self -- accepting that there are certain things that I can't change and appreciating the things in my life that I love.

As the song goes, "I get by with a little help from my friends."

OH!

2008-03-17T10:18:00.000-07:00

Did I forget to mention that last week, at work (and totally randomly), I met the godchild of Edward R. Murrow? I talked her head off for like half an hour and she seemed so excited that I a) knew who he was and b) was so obsessed with him.

Just thought I'd say that because it pretty much made not just my week, but my life.

Why does it take so long?

2008-03-16T12:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I'm writing there now but I have realized that my poor blog has suffered due to my unrelenting laziness. How can a person be so busy and so lazy at the same time? There have been a lot of changes -- and more changes to come! I'm going through the usual soul-searching, but I am much more comfortable with myself and so much more comfortable being alone. I spend most of my free time at home, alone, reading or watching a movie and I love it that way. Lee keeps me incredibly entertained! School is going very well, and I am so glad I have decided to go into journalism because done the right way it is such a service to the community and to the world. I've realized who my friends are, and who I can really count on, and that feels so nice. I don't need anybody else and, frankly, I don't want anybody else. I have so little patience for anyone I don't already care about and I just don't feel like making anymore room for anyone else -- I'm such a hermit in the respect! -- but it's nice being more responsible, quiet, and at ease. My job is well... it's a job. And I definitely don't plan on staying there forever. I will say that two things I'm sad about are:

a) a friend I have very recently come to truly trust and value is leaving me for New York (the state, not the city)

b) I'll have to wait till August to see my dad, San Diego, and (hopefully) Seattle

c) I pretty much know exactly what I want to do in life, finally, and where I want to be, and I have to wait like 2 more years for that to actually happen.

But that aside, things are good. I watch so many movies, it's ridiculous and I've never loved Netflix as much as I do right now. Soon I'll change my movies and books and such on the sidebar to match what I've been into lately but I'm too lazy (that word again!) so I'll do it later.

I'm glad I've been spending time lately with the people who matter. I'm glad that I'm finally feeling more centered.

I'll update better later... I promise. When I'm not so... well, you know.

Here I Am Again

2008-01-06T09:36:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I"ve written a blog, but here I am! So much has changed, and yet so LITTLE has changed. I'm settling in my new place in DC (near the convention center and chinatown, sweet!) and school starts next week. I feel like lately I've felt so negative about so many things in my life and I keep blaming it on so many things... but it's like, there are some things in life you can't change and you can either dwell on that or you can deal with it. Finally I'm choosing the latter. I'm going to stop whining, cursing the heavens, drinking my sorrows away. This weekend it was nice just being around people who make me realize there is some good to be found in life, even if it's in the little things. Ice skating in the Sculpture Gardens, visiting the Smithsonian museums, grabbing a drink (just one, not getting fucking plastered) with friends in Chinatown, seeing a movie, spending time alone to watch your favorite movies at home and listening to a favorite album that you forgot about. There is so much peace to be found in life. And I'm so glad that I'm ready to focus on those things now.

I guess I should update more on this, but I'm on a break at work and need to get back to business. There's more to say, so much more, and it will come... but this, I felt I needed to say.

Love you all. Life is good.

-Natacia

I'll be home in 9 days

2007-11-11T09:40:00.001-08:00

And it all feels so surreal. It feels like Santa Fe has been a dream, and I'm about to wake up. I never thought I'd look forward to returning home so much. And... I never thought I'd think of Northern VA/DC as my "home." I never thought I'd consider any place my home this early in life. My whole life I've travelled and relocated and wandered, it feels right that I'm ready to settle down a little bit. Not forever, mind you, but I've finally found a place where I feel I can stay still for a little while. It's not stagnant if you're working on progressing, right? I mean, I'll be at the same job, but I'll be going to school and studying something I'm loving more everyday. And I think my new roommate (Rachel) is amazing and I've missed my friends and family a lot. True, my mom is leaving the country soon for bigger and better things (mainly, retirement in Italy) but at least I'll get to spend a little more time with her before she moves away. This definitely feels right. This is the best thing for me right now... and I can't wait to come back!

I can't believe it.

2007-10-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

My grandfather passed away this morning. And I'm really really sad. I didn't get to know him that well, and the man wasn't that great in general as far as the way he treated people and how bigoted he could be... but he was still my grandfather and I hate that he died in that big house all alone. :(

This makes me want to be back home with the people I love all the more.

So much has happened...

2007-10-21T14:33:00.001-07:00

...Since my last post. I don't know where to start. I guess I'll just say... one of my first pick universities (American U.), which wait listed me just like NYU did, wants me to enroll. Which would mean picking up and moving yet again. And soon because I feel like if AU wants me I'd rather just withdraw and actually get SOME money back from U of NM instead of wasting an entire year of tuition. And I have only a couple of days to make this life-altering decision. The cons of moving back home would be:

*Giving up the peace and quiet that I've gotten used to
*Not getting to work with the Film Commission of Santa Fe
*Giving up this amazing house that's costing me very very little financially
*No more trips to Taos
*Won't be living close to my dad anymore (again)
*Washing away all the work I've put into my program so far
*The strong possibility that I'll have to give up that BBC internship

The pros would be:

*Being with my friends again, who I miss so much it hurts
*Joining one of the best Journalism and International studies programs in the nation
*Living with Rachel, who is pretty much one of my favorite people ever
*Guaranteed work with really good wages
*More things to do (with what little spare time I'll have)
*More career opportunities in my field
*Having a place to keep my puppy (if I return to the hospital, which I probably will, at first) so he doesn't have to be stuck alone in a crate all day and will have a whole staff of people loving on him constantly

So I have a lot to think about! Anyone want to give me some advise...?

Why would anyone trust me with their child?!

2007-10-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

How the fuck did I just get roped into babysitting an 8 year old on Saturday, my spectacular day off... at 7 in the morning! Oh my God in heaven, this sucks. I don't know how to act around kids. Do I play with her? Do I let her do her own thing? What do 8 year olds eat? What if my dog scratches her by accident? What if she cries? Will she want me to read to her?

Oh man, what am I walking into?? I expect to make a rather lengthy post after she's gone....

Today

2007-10-14T17:22:00.000-07:00

I went for a morning hike with Mike and my puppy.
I went to the theater myself and saw Across the Universe for the third time.
I signed up for cheap guitar lessons.
I removed the leather seats from my car because my dog would have fucking destroyed them.
I finally finished reading those chapters for my sociology class.
I restarted reading A Fan's Notes since I got to distracted by school to get through the first chapter a couple weeks ago.
I also started rereading Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince for no real reason at all, just so I had something completely light to read when I needed a break from everything.
I went to Target and purchased a travel mug and new sheets.
I did my laundry.
I added a bunch of Beatles songs to my MP3 players.
I talked to Morgan on the phone.
I started making a list of possible wedding gifts to get for Jamie and Will.
I stopped by the ACLU office and volunteered to go with them to Albuquerque for some Darfur-related conference that is being sponsored by the Peace Corp.
I wrote a letter to my friend Libby, who I haven't spoken to in far too long.
I went to the Coop market and had a pretty good conversation with the cashier, who ended asking if I wanted to go for drinks sometime. (I said yeah. We exchanged information. I think he already has a girlfriend, which is good. I need more friends.)
I played with the neighbor's dog, who is a sweet old girl.

So it's been a pretty good Sunday, and it's only 6:30. I was going to go to this pot luck thing at Shauna's but I think I'd better stay in and get some more work done. Or, you know, mess around on the internet for a while. Whichever. My guitar lessons start tomorrow, I'm so excited! It was between that, the drums, or yoga. The yoga lessons would have been free since this chick in class is an instructor and told me I can take her class without paying but eh, I've tried yoga before and it's not for me. And I know I would suck at the drums and I don't believe in wasting my time or money these days. And as for the guitar, there are so many old songs I want to learn how to play even if my voice isn't... well, the best. But neither is Bob Dylan's, right? (I put in that reference for Yvonne, so I hope she reads this.)

The Patriots won today. Again. I love them. Not more than the Red Sox, but at least the Pats, y'know, WIN.

I can't decide whether to bring my dog with me in January or not. I know a mess of people want to see him, but it would be totally inconvenient and pricey. But I really want him to play with Alex's and Sarra's dogs, they would be so cute together! So we'll see.

Other random thoughts:

I really want to see that new documentary coming out on Darfur. I also want to see that new movie coming out, American Gangster, starring Denzel Washington and Russell Crowe. In one of my classes, we're reading all about Margaret Fuller and Emerson. I'm absolutely fascinated by her work during the Mazzini Revolution of the late 1840s. And sociology is pretty much my favorite subject right now. I literally hate the fact that I can't change the world, but I really want to do my part. I'm still applying for dual citizenship, but I definitely will have to improve my Italian. I want to go there after graduation for a lengthy stay. I'm also starting to romanticize New York in my head again, which is always what happens when I see movies which take place there (i.e. Across the Universe).

I think I'm gonna go do some school work and then go to bed kind of early I have a long day tomorrow. I might pop in a DVD in a bit, I've been in the mood for Gladiator lately (though it's doubtful that I'll actually finish it tonight). I also think I'll have myself a glass of white wine. I'm really into wine lately. Am I actually becoming an adult?

This has been a nice weekend. I hope everyone is having as good a weekend as me.

PS - I'm becoming disgustingly upbeat. My apologies.

Random Statements of Fact

2007-10-10T09:29:00.001-07:00

I'm seeing The Shins tonight in Albuquerque. I'm really fucking excited. I mean, really fucking excited! Also, I've been watching Freaks & Geeks a lot lately. I go through phases when I am absolutely addicted to those DVDs. And I think, with that and Knocked Up, I've developed a crush on Mr. Seth Rogen. He's not classically good looking, I suppose, but what normal person is these days? And I think I'm becoming homesick again. I miss my friends. I'm realizing now just how easy my life in VA was. I can't wait to visit in January. I wasn't going to visit again till summer, but I can't wait that long. I'm getting a car today, a Jeep I hope, and it's going to be sweet. I'll have to get it checked out by a mechanic, though, to make sure I don't get a lemon. This will make my life easier. My dog is getting so cute. He sleeps in bed with me now, at night. And he pretty much goes everywhere I go. He's getting so big! I'm sort of dating this guy named Mike. He's nice and all, but I'm not looking for anything too serious right now. Work is going well. I have some interesting opportunities coming up in the film world, if I can make some time. I'm addicted to orange Fanta because it's like the only thing the soda machine at work carries. I haven't seen any of the Office this season so I think I'm gonna have to watch it them online so I can go back to watching them on TV. I'm home alone a lot. I do nothing but study and read, really. The Balloon Fiesta on Sunday morning was amazing. I'm starting up my Netflix again because I miss it. I'm going to Albuquerque again this weekend to see Across the Universe for the second time because that movie is so amazing. I am in love with Jude, the main character. I haven't gone grocery shopping in ages. I had a migraine on Monday which kept me in bed all day. I feel much better now. I guess I have a lot more to say, but who's really interested? I'm good at Blogger Small Talk, I suppose.

Fun Activities

2007-10-06T07:17:00.001-07:00

I've had a tough week with work and school, plus no money to do anything fun (which REALLY sucked Thursday when literally every friend I've made here in Santa Fe -- including my roommate Lauren and her sister and Michael, the guy I've sort of been "hanging out" with for a couple weeks -- all went to salsa night at this town bar/club, Willie's). So I've been sitting home a lot, reading, watching DVDs in the background -- when I found someone to fix my tv, that is. And as much as I like alone time, I also like going out and DOING stuff every once in a while. However, I think my weekend is going to make up for it: horseback riding in Taos with my friend Jess on her parents ranch and hiking and then the balloon festival in Albuquerque. Oh man, I can't wait. Jess and I were also discussing going for a road trip to Mexico, which is what we did last time I visited her in Taos, and it was a hell of a lot of fun. New Mexico is lookin' up.

Oh, and it looks like I'm going to buy a Jeep on Wednesday. I've been eyeing it for a while now and if I end up getting it, I think I'm going to call it "The Yellow Submarine." Finally I'll have somewhere to put my "New Mexico: Better Than Originial Mexico" bumper sticker. Just kidding... sort of.

I'm in such a good mood today!

More Beat Shenanigans

2007-10-03T21:50:00.000-07:00

I just met someone who knows Hal Chase. THE Hal Chase! I wish I knew more people who are into the Beat movement so they could be as excited as I am. Where is Holt when you need her??

(Oh, and as a side note, I'm going to see if it's possible for me to get a dual citizenship for Italy since my mom has one. I'm pretty excited about it. I wonder if it would require me to know a lot of Italian....)

American Beauty in New Orleans

2007-09-30T00:23:00.000-07:00

I'm in New Orleans this weekend visiting my grandpa. It's weird because he doesn't seem like the "monster" my dad has described him as all these years. But then again, he's very sick and much older and my dad hasn't seen him in nearly two decades. So I'm sure things, for Grandpa, have changed somewhat. He seems really scared, and lonely, and I can't believe I'm pretty much the only person to come visit him. Though... I suppose that's what happens when you've been hurtful to everyone in your life, in the end. He has a lot of interesting stories about the old house that's been in his family since the early 1900s. There's so much history here, and I love learning about it. I'm so scared that if my dad gets the house, he'll sell it the second that Grandpa's in the ground.

I was watching the last episode of Freaks and Geeks a few days ago, mainly because I'd never heard the commentary before (due to the fact that it's my 2nd favorite episode and I generally don't want a bunch of people talking in the background when I'm watching it). I love the scene when Lindsay is sitting around listening to the Grateful Dead's American Beauty album over and over and getting lost in it. I had never listened to a single Grateful Dead album in all my life -- I know, what kind of music lover do I call myself, right? -- and yesterday I had the desire to finally pick up American Beauty. So I did, and I've been listening to it incessantly, and it's amazing. I know it sounds lame, but for some reason it has made me feel so happy during this stressful time. Like everything's going to be OK. Is that stupid? Why is it, when I'm really down, music is the only thing that can lift me up again? It's strange and wonderful, and I think it would be very easy for me to lose myself in my love for a song.

I was looking through my grandpa's albums. He has a lot of old blues records, which is really cool, and some early Motown. He also has the Rolling Stones album Sticky Fingers, which makes me happy beyond belief since it's pretty much one of my favorite albums in the world. I think I'm going to have him listen to American Beauty and see what he thinks. Maybe it'll make him feel good, too.

Walk into splintered sunlight
Inch your way through dead dreams to another land
Maybe you're tired and broken
Your tongue is twisted with words half spoken and thoughts unclear
What do you want me to do, to do for you to see you through
A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through

On a lighter note....

2007-09-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

I fucking love the Patriots. It's nice to root for a team that doesn't habitually let me down. (That's right, Red Sox, I mean you!)

Wait, am I actually caring about football now? Fuck, it really is contagious....

PS - It looks like I'm going to New Orleans in a few weeks to visit my grandpa for the first time since I was like 6 and for what may be the last time. Way to screw up the "lighter note" entry, eh?

Apathy and Civil Rights

2007-09-21T22:23:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at what is going on in Louisiana. I wasn't going to post about this but after the total rape of civil rights and the justice system that has gone on, especially this week, I can no longer keep quiet. I think, really, that what disturbs me the most is not the details of the "Jena Six" events (and if you have no idea what I'm talking about, then I recommend you watch the news or read a newspaper every once in a while). What bothers me so much is the reactions I've witnessed as a result. I'll be honest -- I'm fucking sick of how apathetic this society is. Yes, we hear about all the outraged people, the rally, Rev Al Sharpton getting involved, ect ect. But what have any of us really done? When are we really going to take a look at ourselves and our own lives? What the hell did people MLK, Jr., Thurgood Marshall, Frederick Douglass, Ella Josephine Baker, Rosa Parks, and Bayard Rustin fight so hard for? We have accomplished so much in this country, and yet so little has changed. You put a fucking noose on a tree as a "warning" to the African American population in your town, and you should get more than a slap on the wrist. That's a death threat. Seriously, that is no different than directly threatening a person's life, which I had assumed was a serious crime. Apparently, not in the deep South. Not if you have the "wrong" skin tone, that is. But more to the point (because I have no interest in going through all the ugly details of the situation right now, it's too exhausting), why is it that everytime I talk to someone who is infuriated about what is happening all they do is complain with no real action? People lost their lives, their jobs, everything during the civil rights movement to fight for what they believed in. What do WE do? We wear a specific colored shirt to signify how much we support our cause. I'm sorry, and I hope this doesn't offend anyone (or do I really care?), but that is bullshit. Donate some of your money to get those fucking kids out of jail. Write a letter to congress. Make your voice heard. Rally up. But don't sit around and wear a black t-shirt and think that you're helping. I think it comes from a good place, yes. The intention, I suppose, is admirable. But good intentions are not enough to fight injustice. People are too indifferent, reading about some atrocity or another in the paper, and then forgetting about it once it's tossed into the recycling bin. Or, simply, people get too wrapped up in their own lives... which hey, I can understand because life is tough. Frankly, and forgive me for sounding like a conspiracy theorist here for a moment, but I am not the least bit surprised that the demographic most willing to go out and do something (18-30) is the demographic most in debt to credit card companies, college loans, ect., making it difficult to escape our lives to do more than we're capable of doing right now. I think it's calculating and it's subtle. But the point is, sometimes no matter what is going on in our lives, we have to be brave enough to take a step forward and make a change. What happened (and IS happening) in Jena is something that I would go as far as calling sinister. We live here, in a country built on the ideals of freedom, and we shouldn't rest until this nation truly lives up to it -- even if it's not going to be during our own lifetime. It's not acceptable that this is still happening. NONE of us should find this acceptable. And not even just this, but civil rights violations can be found everywhere and we have to, at the very least, stay aware. Malcolm X once said something like, "I don't see the American Dream. I see an American Nightmare." I love this country, because I can see what it has the potential to be. But the farther it falls away from the Dream, the more pronounced the Nightmare becomes.

As individuals we have to take action. As individuals we have to do anything we can to fight injustice. And sometimes it will shake up whatever comforts we're used to, but anything worth fighting for is going to be a hard as the saying goes. And I'm not saying that you should attend rallies all the time or join the ACLU or constantly preach whatever your cause is. But HAVE a cause. Donate a few dollars, every little bit helps. Write a letter to your congressman. And yes, I realize that sometimes in this big world and in this messed up system, it seems like there is so little that any one person can do. However, with that philosophy, nothing would ever get better in this world. Apathy is just as bad as hate. Both are counterproductive to any real progression. And I honestly believe that we deserve to live in a world better than that.

"A nation or civilization that continues to produce soft-minded men purchases its own spiritual death on the installment plan."
-Martin Luther King Jr.

Things I'm excited about (in no particular order)

2007-09-15T12:21:00.000-07:00

-The release of Death Proof on DVD this coming Tuesday (though not Planet Terror until October 16th, which is lame... especially considering that neither DVDs will be coming with all those amazing trailers)

-The Kite Runner on the big screen this fall

-Seeing The Shins in Albuquerque on October 10th

-Knocked Up releasing on DVD next Tuesday

-Season 6 of 24 on DVD in December, then season 7 starting in January

-The MLB Final Series

-Getting my first paycheck

-My spring internship with the BBC

-Autumn (not the same as fall in the east coast, but still my favorite season nonetheless)

-All the bigs summer movies of '08: The Dark Knight (mmmm, Bale...), I Am Legend (I love summertime Will Smith flicks!), Speed Racer (Emile Hirsh, Christina Ricci, Matthew Fox.... yes, please!), Iron Man (it looks so deliciously bad!), The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (hoping it's better than Disney's first Narnia attempt), Indiana Jones IV (it's going to be bad, no doubt, but I'll still be there to witness it first hand), Get Smart (Steve Carrell will do this part justice!), The Mummy 3 (which apparently will be without Rachel Weisz, who is being replaced by Maria Bello), The Valkyrie (am I actually becoming a Tom Cruise fan?) , and two new Judd Apatow flicks Forgetting Sarah Marshall and Pineapple Express... I can't believe I have to wait 8 months before it all begins!

-Returning to the east coast in the summer

-Iron & Wine's new album, The Shepard Dog

-PJ Harvey's new album, White Chalk

-And last, but not least, the release of Michael Chabon's new book Gentlemen of the Road: A Tale of Adventure.

I am aware of how geeky this post has made me appear. I'm OK with that. Also, feel free to remind me of things I may have forgot that I should, uh, jot down on the ol' calendar. :)

(I love lazy weekends.)

Hey Jude, have you met lovely Rita?

2007-09-13T20:43:00.001-07:00

I know I've been against this film from the moment I saw the trailer, but I've been listening to the Beatles all day (they've always been therapeutic for me)... and the last couple of weeks, I've been into 50s and 60s music and literature (more than usual, anyway)... and because of all this, I'm warming up to the idea of seeing that movie Across the Universe. Unfortunately for me, I'd have to go to L.A. or Texas to see it because it's not coming to New Mexico anytime soon. Sad, really. Maybe I'll go to San Diego for a weekend to see my dad -- as there are other issues I would like to discuss with him anyway -- and then drive up with him to L.A. for a day. I think it would be good for both of us. And he loves the Beatles even more than I do (which is really saying something) and I think he might really like this film. Or he'll really really hate it for the same reasons I didn't want to see it in the first place. Hard to tell. I really need to get all my Beatles albums shipped to me. I love The White Album and Beatles For Sale, but where's my Revolver, my Help!, my Rubber Soul... even my Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band! I hate that I never put "Lovely Rita" on my MP3 player! I want to hear that song so badly.

Mainly, though, I blame Yvonne for this. Her blog featuring one of my favorite Beatles songs, and then posting the actual lyrics. Why are all the great bands gone? Such a tragedy.

No Words

2007-09-13T09:47:00.000-07:00

I just found out that my paternal grandfather, Henry Franklin Knapper, is dying due to a malignant tumor on his lung that has spread to the point of being untreatable. He was never in my life, really, except for a couple of Christmases as a child. He was mean-spirited, bigoted, and abusive. My dad's mom (who passed away when I was really little) left him and took my dad to Massachusetts, where he was raised primarily. My grandfather owns an old plantation out side of New Orleans and another house near the French Quarter -- both have been in his family for a few generations. The Knappers were one of the first black families in New Orleans to own and run their own homes.

(Side note: I learned that the name "Knapper" is old German derived from "Knappe" which is a servant, working man, or even squire... which has very little to do with anything, but I found that interesting and troubling. It could also be derived from "Knopp," which is came from the Old English word "knapp" or "cnoepp," which translates into hilltop or summit. The most well-known Knapp decedents are said to be some of the first settlers in the Americas and ended up settling in Massachussets. I found this LESS troubling, but ironic, considering that's where my dad ended up moving to as a child.)

Today, I feel... as if I don't know how to feel. My dad told my brothers and I horror stories about my grandfather, but I never felt any hate for the man -- despite the holidays he would put a damper on. And I find it sad that my dad refuses to visit him even now, on what are most likely his final days. Getting this phone call from my mom (not my dad, incidentally, who is having trouble acknowledging what is happening here), it opened up so many questions. I want to see my grandfather before he passes. Especially considering that he wants to leave the plantation to me and my brothers -- not my sister, who during her teenaged years was a complete terror and was shipped away to boarding school -- and I've never even laid eyes on it. I suddenly feel as though there is so much history in my family that I want to explore, that I never had a chance to be a part of.

I'm introspective today. And worried about a lot of things. And I wish I had more money so I could fly out to New Orleans -- because there's no way I can ask my dad for the money, and I feel odd asking my mother for it. I'll figure out something.

How is it possible that, after all this emotional turmoil, it's not even noon yet?

Stresses and Humor

2007-09-05T08:39:00.000-07:00

So far this week has been somewhat stressful, but I'm learning how to deal. I'm sending my film resume to the Deputy of the New Mexican Film Commission (who my landlord/makeshift roommate Lauren O is pretty good friends with). But I want to update it a little and snazz it up. I'd like very much to join the Union here and see what sort of little jobs I can get here and there to get on my feet. I think the careers I'm focused on right now are:

-Journalism (in print, possibly on radio)
-Film, my love, my old friend (mostly documentary, i think, and independent projects)
-Human Rights Nonprofit

There's this internship with the BBC I'm looking at and also work with AmeriCorp. Next summer, though, the best bet would be to get an internship at some respected newspaper... perhaps in DC or NYC. I'm very excited, but I don't want to give myself too many choices and become too indecisive (I have that tendency). Oh, a couple weekends out of the month, I'll be going to Albuquerque to volunteer with the ACLU. I'm also trying to keep very up to date on the current political campaigns and pressing current events.

The only thing that I know for sure is that a) I want to make a difference, b) I want to travel, and c) I want to wake up every (or at least almost every) morning and be proud and happy of what I do. I hope that's not too much to ask for.

In other news, Lee is adjusting to life out here quite well. He is not, however, well-liked by ANY of the dogs in the neighborhood -- including Lauren's shepard dog who regards Lee as some sort of threat. Any other dog would find this disheartening, I think, but not Lee. He has that puppy resilience which keeps him excited and happy all the time. I wish I had that.

I still haven't met many people while out here. I'm sure that will come in time. I could use this alone time to really focus on what's important, and not get so bogged down by being overly social. I think that was my problem in DC. It was too easy to get distracted by everything and everyone around me. Strip that away and I am forced to focus. This will be good for me.

I've also been reading a lot. I finally finished The Outsiders, reread Wicked, read a book on Susan B Anthony, am halfway through The Lessons of Don Juan (I actually am rereading this one as well), and have just started Rebel Angels, a biography on Kerouac, Ginsberg, and Burroughs. Absolutely amazing reads, all of them. Having no TVs been so great. Though I don't get to watch movies as much, which is sad. I did see Death at a Funeral, though, which was a fantastic little British film that I highly recommend. Very funny. Reminded me of Four Weddings and a Funeral a little bit, but without that annoying dark-haired woman... Andi MacDowell or whatever? It was wry, and at times absolutely ridiculous and bordering on lewd. I laughed quite a bit. I was supposed to see Becoming Jane last night but I was "becoming too busy" with stuff to do. Today, perhaps, we'll see. (Speaking of Jane Austen... I am not lying when I say that when I visited Nicholas Potter's the other day, I found a rather amazing FIRST EDITION of Pride & Prejudice. The cost is not nearly as obscene as one would think, either. I wouldn't shut up about it at the front desk, and Mr Potter told me he would set it aside for a month or so to give me a chance to save up the money. I love that man.)

I guess my only real complaint of late is that part of my rental agreement is that my landlord's mother (Wendy, a very lovely woman who was proactive in helping my find a job in the area through her various connections) is a counselor and uses one of the rooms downstairs as an office every once in a while. Fine, no big deal. But! When she's in the office with her "patients" or whatever the term is for them, she needs total privacy and quiet which means I have to not be home or stay upstairs. Yesterday, she had sessions all days. So when I would come back home she would still be there which means I can't cook lunch or do laundry or, god forbid, let my poor crated dog run around. This is starting to get old. Today she had a session at 8:15 (well after I'd had breakfast) and I was practically out the door anyway. And when I returned she was gone. That's fine. I don't even mind it if I am home, but she's in session only for an hour or two. But that all day stuff.... I know my rent is pretty low, but really. I am still paying money to live here, after all. I guess I'll just wait it out and if it gets too out of hand I'll have to say something.

Anyway, otherwise, things are good. Stressful, but good. Tomorrow, Lauren leaves town for like a week and a half which (as much as I like her) will be nice. I'll have a little more privacy. When she gets back, there's been talk of a camping trip before the mountain snow arrives. I'm looking forward to it.

And with that, I better get back to the work I really need to not avoid. Yes, I've surpassed such frivolous notions as "procrastination," and am now becoming a virtuoso in the field of avoidance. I'm a regular Renaissance woman.

Entry #1

2007-09-01T19:22:00.000-07:00

As this is my first entry on my new (and now, ONLY) blog, I'll try to make it "mean" something.

Early this week, I took everything I could carry -- including my puppy, King Leonidas (Lee, for short) -- and moved across country to Santa Fe, NM. I could get into all the reasons why, but the big one is I need a change, a *real* change. And I figured, I'm 24 years old and there will only be so many times in my life when I will get to do this -- just pick up and change my life at the drop of a hat. So far, it's been kind of difficult. I'm not used to being *so* alone. I've met a few people here and there, but mostly, it's just been me at the house with the puppy reading and listening to music. I don't mind not having a TV yet. I don't mind that it's very quiet out here. But sometimes, I get the urge to call one of my friends back in Virginia or DC and see if they want to grad dinner or catch a movie and I realize I can't do that anymore.

But don't get me wrong. I haven't disliked it out here by any means. The first night here, in fact, I went out with my landlord's brother Rowan and his girlfriend and their mutual friends to the Cowgirl, a local drinking hole which offered one of the best margaritas I'd ever had. And then we went bowling -- where Katie (Rowan's girlfriend) and I truly sucked but had an awesome time playing so poorly.

And don't even get me started on the sunrise and sunset out here. It's truly amazing. I won't even continue describing it now. I'll just have to bring myself to take a picture and post it because that will at least partially give it credit for how awe-inspiring it is.

Also, the food has been great. There's an organic market walking distance from my house. There's a mountainous trail behind my house where Lee and I go walking daily. I met a girl named Michelle on craigslist and we went and hung out in Albuquerque to see a show the other night. Plus, today I went out to the downtown area (the Plaza) where they were having a fiesta and I got to see what seemed like hundreds of Native American merchants. I also found a fantastic rare booksellers called Nicholas Potter's and I fell in love. The owner (Mr. Potter himself) was a very amiable man who had a quite a bit to say about the subject of Jack Kerouac, which of course made me immensely happy. Oh, and on my way home, I literally ate the best burrito I had ever eaten in my life. And it was only 3 bucks.

So things have been good, but I'm definitely a little home sick. I don't miss DC itself but I do miss the people I met there. It's great not having to trip over a homeless person every two feet, but it's sad that I can't go out for margs after work with Laney. Not missing the smog and the litter, but I do miss hanging out at Yvonne & Joe's house. Glad that there's pretty much no traffic and noise pollution here, but I can't believe I won't get to hang out with Morgan and Will on the weekends anymore.

Changes must happen -- this is what I'd wanted, to not be so comfortable in my safe Northern Virginian box. This is better, this is a challenge. I will succeed. I will be happy. And even if I figure out, somewhere down the road, that this isn't what I want... well, then I'll pick up and find some place new, and eventually I will find that place to call home.

Anyway, while I was thinking about this tonight and feeling inspired to write in a way I haven't felt like doing in a long time, I decided to read my book of RFK speeches. (I carry it with me everywhere now.) And again, I stumbled upon his speech on the "Mindlesss Menace of Violence" and it never ceases to get me choked up. So what you will about the Kennedys -- they were not perfect by any means -- but Bobby and Jack had the ability to inspire and move people with their words like few other leaders of our time. This makes me think that perhaps journalism is really the way to go for me... I can't imagine being a politician, after all... and I think that maybe if I work to be the type of figure like Edward R. Murrow and the like, I could make a difference. But I'd have to finally get off my ass and DO something. I can't just talk about doing things, talk about change, talk about civil liberties and human rights, talk about suffering, talk about seeing the world.... I have to DO it. I think taking this first leap -- the leap towards New Mexico -- is the first important step. I just have to remember not to get too comfortable and to realize that I'm out here for a reason. To learn, to grow, to change. And I feel like, as a human being, it would be damaging -- even insulting -- to the universe to be OK with apathy, to be OK with mediocrity, to sit back and relax as the world unravels or even as it stands still. Nothing will ever improve that way and I think maybe it's our responsibility as people to always want to improve ourselves and the world around us. Well, I won't just accept things the way they are and pretend it can't be better and maybe, as a writer I can help to inspire others to want to make change happen as well.

And on that note, I will post the speech that started me on this path of forward-thinking:

City Club of Cleveland, Cleveland, Ohio
April 5, 1968

This is a time of shame and sorrow. It is not a day for politics. I have saved this one opportunity, my only event of today, to speak briefly to you about the mindless menace of violence in America which again stains our land and every one of our lives.

It is not the concern of any one race. The victims of the violence are black and white, rich and poor, young and old, famous and unknown. They are, most important of all, human beings whom other human beings loved and needed. No one - no matter where he lives or what he does - can be certain who will suffer from some senseless act of bloodshed. And yet it goes on and on and on in this country of ours.

Why? What has violence ever accomplished? What has it ever created? No martyr's cause has ever been stilled by an assassin's bullet.

No wrongs have ever been righted by riots and civil disorders. A sniper is only a coward, not a hero; and an uncontrolled, uncontrollable mob is only the voice of madness, not the voice of reason.

Whenever any American's life is taken by another American unnecessarily - whether it is done in the name of the law or in the defiance of the law, by one man or a gang, in cold blood or in passion, in an attack of violence or in response to violence - whenever we tear at the fabric of the life which another man has painfully and clumsily woven for himself and his children, the whole nation is degraded.

"Among free men," said Abraham Lincoln, "there can be no successful appeal from the ballot to the bullet; and those who take such appeal are sure to lose their cause and pay the costs."
Yet we seemingly tolerate a rising level of violence that ignores our common humanity and our claims to civilization alike. We calmly accept newspaper reports of civilian slaughter in far-off lands. We glorify killing on movie and television screens and call it entertainment. We make it easy for men of all shades of sanity to acquire whatever weapons and ammunition they desire.
Too often we honor swagger and bluster and wielders of force; too often we excuse those who are willing to build their own lives on the shattered dreams of others. Some Americans who preach non-violence abroad fail to practice it here at home. Some who accuse others of inciting riots have by their own conduct invited them.

Some look for scapegoats, others look for conspiracies, but this much is clear: violence breeds violence, repression brings retaliation, and only a cleansing of our whole society can remove this sickness from our soul.

For there is another kind of violence, slower but just as deadly destructive as the shot or the bomb in the night. This is the violence of institutions; indifference and inaction and slow decay. This is the violence that afflicts the poor, that poisons relations between men because their skin has different colors. This is the slow destruction of a child by hunger, and schools without books and homes without heat in the winter.

This is the breaking of a man's spirit by denying him the chance to stand as a father and as a man among other men. And this too afflicts us all.

I have not come here to propose a set of specific remedies nor is there a single set. For a broad and adequate outline we know what must be done. When you teach a man to hate and fear his brother, when you teach that he is a lesser man because of his color or his beliefs or the policies he pursues, when you teach that those who differ from you threaten your freedom or your job or your family, then you also learn to confront others not as fellow citizens but as enemies, to be met not with cooperation but with conquest; to be subjugated and mastered.

We learn, at the last, to look at our brothers as aliens, men with whom we share a city, but not a community; men bound to us in common dwelling, but not in common effort. We learn to share only a common fear, only a common desire to retreat from each other, only a common impulse to meet disagreement with force. For all this, there are no final answers.

Yet we know what we must do. It is to achieve true justice among our fellow citizens. The question is not what programs we should seek to enact. The question is whether we can find in our own midst and in our own hearts that leadership of humane purpose that will recognize the terrible truths of our existence.

We must admit the vanity of our false distinctions among men and learn to find our own advancement in the search for the advancement of others. We must admit in ourselves that our own children's future cannot be built on the misfortunes of others. We must recognize that this short life can neither be ennobled or enriched by hatred or revenge.

Our lives on this planet are too short and the work to be done too great to let this spirit flourish any longer in our land. Of course we cannot vanquish it with a program, nor with a resolution.
But we can perhaps remember, if only for a time, that those who live with us are our brothers, that they share with us the same short moment of life; that they seek, as do we, nothing but the chance to live out their lives in purpose and in happiness, winning what satisfaction and fulfillment they can.

Surely, this bond of common faith, this bond of common goal, can begin to teach us something. Surely, we can learn, at least, to look at those around us as fellow men, and surely we can begin to work a little harder to bind up the wounds among us and to become in our own hearts brothers and countrymen once again.